Clear as mud:)

So, the further I get into this assignment the clearer this concept of "calling" is becoming. I suppose that's exactly why my professor came up with this assignment in the first place:)

Here is the definition of "calling" that Guiness offers at the beginning of his book "The Call":

"...calling is the truth that God calls us to himself so decisively that everything we are, everything we do, and everything we have is invested with a special devotion and dynamism lived out as a response to his summons and service" (4).

There are "four essential strands" of calling in a biblical sense:

1. To call on someone in order to be heard. In this sense "call" takes place in the context of relationship.
2. To call also means to name and thereby "...call into being or to make". I love the idea of "...becoming what we are not yet but are called by God to be."
3. In the New Testament calling is almost synonymous with salvation.
4. Also in the New Testament, Jesus calls his followers to himself but he also calls them to other things and tasks which fall under the umbrella of discipleship (30).

Although this definition doesn't overtly mention the concept of primary and secondary calling the author goes on to make that distinction. Primary calling refers to the act of God calling a person to Him (by God, to God, for God). This aspect of calling is dependent on the existence of a caller. Logically, there is no "calling" if there is no "caller". This call speaks to who I am because the God of the universe has called me into relationship with him.

Secondary calling "...is that everyone, everywhere, and in everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for him" (31). Secondary callings are dependent on our primary calling. These "callings" are in response to the lordship of Christ in my life. The work that I do, the roles that I embody, the daily and menial tasks that I find myself doing have meaning because of the primary call on my life.

Because I am uniquely created by God this secondary calling on my life has an element of individuality. I have been created with a unique combination of heritage, strengths and weaknesses, intellectual, emotional and physical capabilities and talents or gifts. The sum total of everything that I am belongs to God. I am only a steward "...responsible for the prudent management of property that is not (my) own" (46). The author calls to mind the parable of the talents to emphasize this point. This call is the sense of life-purpose that I have which is founded in God's primary call on my life.

The secondary calling on my life also has a corporate sense to it. In as much as I am an individual and have been uniquely created by my "caller", I am also part of a community of believers all of whom have been called to be holy and participate in the process of discipleship. Any individual calling on my life must line up with what I am corporately called to do within the context of scripture and the church.

So far I'm buying what this guy is saying:) but....what I'm finding interesting in this study about calling is what exactly all this means for the person who considers themselves "called" into "ministry". I've always had difficulty understanding what exactly people mean when they claim to have a "special call" on their lives. Like the only way one might legitimately become a pastor is if they are "called" by God to do so. Hhhhmmm....

I take that back...

In my last post I believe I said something like..."I can come up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling". Well I'm back to say that in fact I'm having a very difficult time coming up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling. Ugh. I wish doing assignments consisted of doing the reading, absorbing and thinking about the material and then sitting down with the professor over a cup of coffee (or in my case hot chocolate) and just sharing what's on my heart. This process of writing something down that is sufficient in a "stand alone" kind of way that expresses what I think about this topic of "calling" is EXCRUCIATING!!!! So in lieu of shooting the breeze with my professor over coffee perhaps what I'll do is bullet point some of my thoughts about my own sense of Christian calling here......

1. I have a 'calling' simply I have been 'called' to follow Christ. My primary calling is to live in relationship with God in a way that demonstrates his Lordship in my life. Every Christian is 'called' in this way. I rise to this 'calling' or fall miserably short of it in every moment of every day simply because I exist and belong to Him. That sounds profound, doesn't it? All I'm trying to say is that everything I do is an opportunity to demonstrate God's call in my life. Everyday and ordinary tasks and actions are a matter of discipleship. I have the ability to demostrate God's calling in all areas of my life...physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual.

2. Discovering what might possibly be my secondary and more individual calling is important because I recognize that God has created me with unique gifts, strengths and weaknesses, talents, family blessings and baggage. He created me with a purpose in mind. I suspect that discovering what this 'calling' on my life is may never come in an 'AHA'! moment. In his book, Guiness quotes Oswald Chambers....

"If you can tell where you got the call of God and all about it, I question whether you have ever had a call. The call of God does not come like that, it is much more supernatural. The realization of it in a man's life may come with a sudden thunder-clap or with a gradual dawning, but in whatever way it comes it comes with the undercurrent of the supernatural, something that cannot be put into words".

I LOVE that quote! I wonder if one day I'll find myself recognizing God's 'call' in my life and not really even be able to pinpoint how I got there. It's all part of the journey. More so than figuring out what exactly that call is, it's important to figure out who God created me to be. Now obviously this is a life long process but part of that process is becoming more self-aware in the knowledge who God says I am. As Guiness so aptly puts it "...calling says: Do what you are." It's kind of hard to do that if I am woefully unaware of who I am:)

Ok, so not really bullet points. Some stuff to think about. Who knew 'calling' was so complicated?

Huh?

So I'm puttering away on my first assignment and one of the questions I have to respond to with regards to this book is: "Articulate your own sense of Christian calling and define how this relates to your current occupation". Um...ok. I think I can come up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling (I haven't actually done that yet;), but relating that to my current occupation. Hmmm. Not exactly sure what I would say my current occupation is. Homemaker, mom, housewife or as my dear husband likes to joke, domestic goddess? This question has got me thinking about how I feel about my current occupation. And does that occupation have anything to do with a calling specific to me?

The chapter that resonated with me in particular was "The Audience of One". I suppose the way I most refer to my "occupation" is that of being a stay-at-home mom. Quite honestly, I can fill my day with all sorts of things. Ordinary, thankless, mind-numbingly boring, repetitive, messy things. What gives those things significance? My audience. According to Guiness "... no single human audience is my sole, natural audience". Can I just say that reminder humbles and excites me? It humbles me because in the midst of my ordinary existence I am reminded that what I do each day does make a difference if to no one else but God. Whether I approach each day with a sense of dread or tackle each day with a desire to strive for excellence matters to God. When I find every excuse to procrastinate and slide by in the role I've been given I am not the only one who knows that I'm hoarding the gifts He created in me. That's humbling. On my best days it inspires me to continue on in the journey of figuring out what exactly God's specific calling in my life is. On a whole lot of other days I wonder why in the world God would even bother with me...I know, we're working on that stinky attitude together:)

The other thought that jumped off the page at me is this:

"The truth is not that God is finding us a place for our gifts but that God has created us and our gifts for a place of his choosing – and we will only be ourselves when we are finally there. " (Guiness, 46).

Really? That's a comforting thought. I'm not sure that I'm there yet, infact I'm fairly certain that I'm not. But this journey that God and I are on is enough for me today.

Ok, so maybe I'm not so great at journaling.

Here's the thing, I'm really enjoying this book. Lots of thought provoking stuff in there. On many occasions I've found myself say "Hey Kev, listen to this...". I think what's preventing me from going great guns on this assignment, even this course, is that the thought of actually interacting with this stuff is scary to me. Right now I think I kind of know who I am. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Right now I think I have a handle on what my life looks like. I'm a mom who spends an inordinate amount of time cooking and doing the laundry and on top of that is freaking out at the prospect of parenting a teenager in a couple of years. I'm a wife who loves her husband and is trying to make that relationship a priority. Not only am I a wife, I'm the pastor's wife. That comes with it's own can of worms:) but I'm beginning to feel like after a very long time that I'm finding my groove in that can of worms. So on top of all that, or should I say, underneath all that I'm a child of God. I am a child of God. That's me, a child of God.

I'm rambling. I know that nothing happens by accident. It is certainly no accident that I'm taking this course right now. 2 years after God intervened in my life in a BIG way and we started to get reacquainted. I'm just starting to figure out what being a child of God is all about. Before I've even had a chance to catch my breath He sends me off on this adventure...."go back to school". Seriously? Are you kidding me? What in the world for? I am a child of God. The thought that He might have some purpose...calling that He created me for is almost too much to take in. I feel so unworthy. So completely inadequate and scared.

Maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet;)

No more excuses, it's time to journal.

So I wanted to call this blog "The Old Lady at the Back of the Class". But I kind of figured that if any of my friends actually stumbled upon this little blog that they might be offended at the "Old Lady" part. I'm really not that old:) Can I just say though that finding myself back at school has made me feel FAR older than I actually am. My college days feel like they happened in a different lifetime.

So much has happened in the last 14 years or so. My amazing hubby and I have been in church ministry in several different capacities. Actually, I suppose he's the one whose jobs have changed over the years. All this time I've simply been a pastor's wife. We've added to our family 3 times now, our house is filled with girls:) We've made several major moves and currently find ourselves settled in a community we love working with a church we love. And over the years I've felt my brain turning slowly (alright, not always so slowly) to mush. Whatever benefit it might have been for me to be a graduate of Bible School before attempting this seminary thing has long since vanished. I feel like I'm going into this experience with a clean slate, which might not be such a bad thing. Maybe not a clean slate ministry wise but definately my brain has a whole lot of room for all the things I'm hoping to learn through this experience. Which leads me to this post...

I had kicked around the idea of keeping a journal or even blogging through my experience of going back to school when I started in the fall. But it didn't happen. Perhaps because I was only taking one small course, I didn't feel like it was worth documenting. Looking back I wish I had started then BUT when I got the syllabus for the course I'm taking this spring the professor suggested that we journal our thoughts throughout the semester as a way of interacting with the material in a more personal way. I'm a notoriously terrible procrastinator at journaling but I thought this might be my opportunity to give it another shot. As it turns out, I think this course will be a huge help to me in the journey I'm on with God right now. I shouldn't be surprised by that. This going back to school idea most definately did not come from me. In fact it scares the living daylights out of me. It's put me a position of absolutely having to trust God with the process because right now I have no idea where He's going to lead me.

Anyway, the course I'm working on right now is called "Theology of Work". The first book I'm reading is "The Call" by Os Guinness. I should have started journaling when I started the book. It is full of all kinds of good stuff. So starting tomorrow I'll post a little something from what I'm reading and the impact that it's having on me.

S