Affirmed

So this class I'm taking is rapidly coming to an end. In a couple of weeks I'm heading off to for a weekend to do the classroom portion of the course which I'm looking forward to with a bit of fear and trepidation. So far my school experience has been long distance which is a fair amount of work but to be honest it feels fairly safe. So far it's been a bit of interaction with my professor. Actually, the last assignment I did for this class I had to post to my classes online forum for one of the other students to read and respond to. Boy, did I struggle with the idea of someone else reading what I had to say. I was a nervous wreck.

I've never been much of a go-getter kind of student. I always hated being pointed out in class. I rarely ever raised my hand to answer or ask a question. I liked to blend in. I'm recognizing now how huge areas of my life are controlled by the importance I place on what other people think of me. I hate that. It's such an obstacle to growth and healthy relationships. Deciding to go back to school really was an issue of obedience for me because I knew that's what God was asking me to do but my concern was really how unprepared and completely adequate I felt. Read: I felt pretty stupid about things I figured I should somehow be an expert in.

Anyway, I find it very interesting that this course on the theology of work is the one I find myself taking at the beginning of this whole school experience. I know that it's no coincidence. It really has helped me to form some thoughts about calling and work, especially how that relates to me as a stay at home mom. To be honest, I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I know I'm blessed. BUT I am quite convinced that whatever knowledge I gained in Bible school experience has long since evaporated as I've allowed my brain to turn to mush over the last 10 years or so.

The professor has given us two options for the final project for this course. They are:

a. If you are engaged directly in the marketplace (which I'm not): Based on readings, course interactions and personal experience, create a gospel-centered marketplace ministry plan that will guide your personal spiritual development and transformational Kingdom influence within your current occupational setting. This plan should incorporate an initial section that defines your theological foundations for the plan. As well it should contain a section in which you articulate a Christian worldview of your profession.

OR

b. If you (i.e. pastors or pastors in training) are engaged in ministry to people in the marketplace: Based on readings, course interactions, and personal experience, create a program of development and mentoring for people within your ministry setting that will equip them to engage in a gospel-centered marketplace ministry. This will include the training process, the content of that training, the mentoring process included, the spiritual formation components, etc. As well it will contain a section in which you articulate a Christian worldview of a Christian's perspective on the relationship between work and calling.

Interesting assignment and completely practical if you're working the marketplace or training to be a pastor...neither of which I am. SO, I sent off an email to my professor asking if I might be able to do the first option from the perspective of the stay at home mom and I was pleasantly surprised by his response. He was certain that I could do the assignment from that perspective. He didn't patronize me but suggested a variety of ways that he thought a stay at home mom would have a role in 'marketplace ministry'. That one little email was a HUGE encouragement to me. Now I have the task of evaluating and articulating my role as a stay at home mom as an agent for transformational Kingdom impact. Hhhhmmmm.....I'd better get busy;)

Back at it again...

It's been quite awhile since I've done any journaling about this class. Right now I'm working on two assignments. One is to interview two different Christians about their work and what they think about 'calling'. The other is to write a case study about marketplace ministry. I've never done an assignment like either of these before. Should be interesting:)

I came across a quote this morning as I was finishing up "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. He quotes a friend who once said "Christians are like manure: spread them out and they help everything grow better, but keep them in one big pile and they stink horribly". Interesting thought. It reminded me of this concept of the church gathered and the church scattered. As a body we're not really functioning as we were designed to if our focus is primarily on the church gathered. We are meant to be spread out in our community in order to be most effective. God has been working on this idea in my life over the last couple of years. Cultivating friendships with and deliberately making an effort to spend time with non-churched people has been refreshing and exciting and challenging all at the same time. Being a stay at home mom I could quite easily be homebound. Being a pastor's wife I could easily become church-bound. Combine those two roles and I'm embarrased to admit that for much of my adult life I've lived in that stupid bubble.

Losing sight.

I feel like I'm losing sight of the big picture. I feel overwhelmed and busy and on top of that I am apparently oblivious to the people around me. I have to figure out a way to balance this school thing with life because quite honestly what is the point of me going to school if in the process I am missing out on the important things in my life like relationships with friends and family and most definatley God. Something has to change today.

I

Ugh.

So I've done all my reading. I think I understand the material and now it's time to get something down on paper. I don't remember this being so hard the first time around. So, the first time around was awhile ago and admittedly my brain has gotten kind of mushy in the last 15 years or so but seriously my 4 year old has an attention span more conducive to writing a book review than I do. Feeling pretty discouraged right now.

My dad often says...

As I've been reading through this material about "marketplace ministry" I was reminded of something that my dad says on occasion.

"That pastor's so heavenly minded that he's no earthly good".

For almost all of my adult life I've been married to a pastor so I'll be honest and say that whenever he says that it gets me all riled up. I mean it's pretty hard not to take it personally. I've always taken it as meaning that he feels the "work" a pastor does, doesn't make much of a difference in the real world. That being concerned about spiritual things is great and all for the pastor but real people have real work to get done and most of the time the pastor just gets in the way.

I'm fairly certain that my dad never intended that saying to be misconstrued as a compliment:) BUT in my defensiveness, I've never really stopped to consider where that comment was coming from and if there was any truth to it. This idea of accepting criticism without allowing it to be completely devastating to me is pretty new. It takes practice to actually consider the validity of the idea even though the delivery may be lacking. So today I've been mulling over the idea that my dad just might be onto something...it's not like he hasn't been right in a myriad of other ways over the years!

So, my first question is, "Where is that attitude coming from?". The answer to this question is probably just as important as figuring out whether the attitude is right or wrong. Because I'm not my dad (ok, maybe I'm just a little bit like my dad;), at this point anything I offer in answer to that question would be pure speculation but here goes....

I wonder if this comment is a reflection of the lack of interest, respect, support, affirmation or genuine appreciation that he has received regarding his profession (in this case plumbing and heating) from any of the pastors he's had over the years. I mean we (and in this case I mean people in "paid" ministry) often give lip service to the idea that body is made up all different parts and each one is important but does the ministry of our church or even what we do on Sunday when we meet together as a body of believer's really demonstrate that? I would argue that church is not just a Sunday morning affair, that what happens every other day of the week is vitally important but do the people in my church truly believe that as well? Do the people who make up the local body of believers I worship with and serve with know their work, whether they work in the marketplace or stay home with their children or volunteer their services, know intrinsically that what they do is of great importance because they have been taught that at church?

My dad is great at what he does. He's a fantastic plumber...people pay loads of money for his services. He is respected in his profession and even though he's retired people go to him simply for advice and even pay to consult with him. Despite the confidence he has as a result of his experience and expertise in his profession he feels, and I think I can express this because he's said things like this on many occasions, that he has very little to offer the church. WHAT?!? Here's a capable and accomplished man who thinks that because his talents and gifts don't look as "spiritual" as the pastor's that he's not useful. Oh sure, he may single handedly keep the boiler going at the church with no pay or recognition and he might be the biggest reason the church's camp facility is maintained and functions every year with very few glitches. He might be the person that ANYONE in the church feels free to call if they have a plumbing dilemma. But for some reason he doesn't see doing those things as a significant or viable ministry. Granted, he has to take responsibility for what he does with those feelings and thoughts. But what role does the church and more specifically do the pastors in his life play in helping him to keep from falling for that misconception? I also have to wonder if in believing that what he has to offer isn't spiritual in nature he might feel let off the hook to really develop and mature in his relationship with God. Once again...pure speculation.

I suppose my second question would be something like this..."Is it possible to be so heavenly minded that you're no earthly good?" When your "work" is wrapped up in church do you tend to stress the importance of commitment to the church over the rest of life? Do we promote an elitist spirituality that reinforces the destructive mindset that "spiritual" professions are more noble than "secular" or regular professions. If so what does the pastor do when he needs a plumber? So many questions....think I'm going to take a break and chew on that thought for a little while.

A recurring theme...

So, I'm working on assignment #2 which is to read "Doing God's Business" by R. Paul Stevens and an article called "Marketplace Ministry" and then contrast and respond to the different definitions of work and marketplace ministry among other things.

What I've found interesting is the emphasis on the importance of practicing spiritual disciplines in the effort to "go deep" in all areas of our lives. This is something that has come up REPEATEDLY in the last few years in many different ways so much so that it is hard not to take it personally:) I really wasn't expecting to stumble across this again in this course. I must be totally clueless. But what all of this makes me wonder is why isn't this something that I've learned over the course of my Christian life? Perhaps I wasn't listening. I really don't know. In any case, one of the things that I'm supposed to be thinking about in relation to this course is what is the role of the church in facilitating "marketplace ministry". This is the line of thinking that I'm going to pursue.

Here's an interesting quote for you:

"For Christians the need of the world is not the call of God. The call comes from God and we will need to withdraw frequently and regularly from compulsive need-meeting in order to hear the voice of God" (Stevens 136).

Moving right along...

Well, I finished my first assignment! Can I just say what a relief that is? I have to admit that it was a real struggle to finish that paper. It was MUCH tougher to articulate my own personal sense of Christian calling than I thought it would be but here's what I came up with:

I am a Christian. I have significance and purpose because God has called me into a relationship with him. I am in the process of “…becoming what I am not yet but (have been) called by God to be”(30). It is a journey of self-discovery in light of who God says I am and who he has created me to be. Quite honestly, it would be very easy to become so inwardly focused that I could lose sight of the fact that God called me to himself for a purpose. I love how Guinness expresses this: “The truth is not that God is finding us a place for our gifts but that God has created us and our gifts for a place of his choosing – and we will only be ourselves when we are finally there”(46). I believe that the place of his choosing at this time in my life is exactly where I find myself. It is partly about location which is Port Hardy, but is mostly about relationships. I know that the occupation I currently find myself in is truly a privilege. I am a stay at home mom and wife. My job is really more of a role than an occupation. The work that I find myself doing is complicated and demanding yet ordinary and mundane. It’s stretching and challenging and there really is no more practical place to work out the secondary callings on my life. I agree with Guinness that you shouldn’t “…necessarily be able to state your calling in a single sentence. At best you can only specify a part of it”(51). I realize that there are callings in my life that I’m probably not aware of yet and most likely there are also callings that will be in process for the rest of my life but at this point in my life and in my relationship with God I am beginning to recognize calling in my life in two different but related areas. First of all, God has been challenging me to mature in the area of emotional health and spiritual growth. He is calling me to pursue maturity in my relationships which relates entirely to my ability to parent and to be a godly wife and complement to my husband. I don’t think that this calling is by any means specific to only me except that the circumstances and means by which God placed this call on my life were indeed very personal. I know that this calling is wrapped up in the corporate calling on my life however in the last two years God has been orchestrating events and cultivating desires and gifts in my life that have led me to pursue going back to school. Being obedient to this secondary and individual call on my life has required me to step out in faith. I think this will be part of the journey that bring more clarity to determining what God is calling me to do in the next stage of my life.

Clear as mud:)

So, the further I get into this assignment the clearer this concept of "calling" is becoming. I suppose that's exactly why my professor came up with this assignment in the first place:)

Here is the definition of "calling" that Guiness offers at the beginning of his book "The Call":

"...calling is the truth that God calls us to himself so decisively that everything we are, everything we do, and everything we have is invested with a special devotion and dynamism lived out as a response to his summons and service" (4).

There are "four essential strands" of calling in a biblical sense:

1. To call on someone in order to be heard. In this sense "call" takes place in the context of relationship.
2. To call also means to name and thereby "...call into being or to make". I love the idea of "...becoming what we are not yet but are called by God to be."
3. In the New Testament calling is almost synonymous with salvation.
4. Also in the New Testament, Jesus calls his followers to himself but he also calls them to other things and tasks which fall under the umbrella of discipleship (30).

Although this definition doesn't overtly mention the concept of primary and secondary calling the author goes on to make that distinction. Primary calling refers to the act of God calling a person to Him (by God, to God, for God). This aspect of calling is dependent on the existence of a caller. Logically, there is no "calling" if there is no "caller". This call speaks to who I am because the God of the universe has called me into relationship with him.

Secondary calling "...is that everyone, everywhere, and in everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for him" (31). Secondary callings are dependent on our primary calling. These "callings" are in response to the lordship of Christ in my life. The work that I do, the roles that I embody, the daily and menial tasks that I find myself doing have meaning because of the primary call on my life.

Because I am uniquely created by God this secondary calling on my life has an element of individuality. I have been created with a unique combination of heritage, strengths and weaknesses, intellectual, emotional and physical capabilities and talents or gifts. The sum total of everything that I am belongs to God. I am only a steward "...responsible for the prudent management of property that is not (my) own" (46). The author calls to mind the parable of the talents to emphasize this point. This call is the sense of life-purpose that I have which is founded in God's primary call on my life.

The secondary calling on my life also has a corporate sense to it. In as much as I am an individual and have been uniquely created by my "caller", I am also part of a community of believers all of whom have been called to be holy and participate in the process of discipleship. Any individual calling on my life must line up with what I am corporately called to do within the context of scripture and the church.

So far I'm buying what this guy is saying:) but....what I'm finding interesting in this study about calling is what exactly all this means for the person who considers themselves "called" into "ministry". I've always had difficulty understanding what exactly people mean when they claim to have a "special call" on their lives. Like the only way one might legitimately become a pastor is if they are "called" by God to do so. Hhhhmmm....

I take that back...

In my last post I believe I said something like..."I can come up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling". Well I'm back to say that in fact I'm having a very difficult time coming up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling. Ugh. I wish doing assignments consisted of doing the reading, absorbing and thinking about the material and then sitting down with the professor over a cup of coffee (or in my case hot chocolate) and just sharing what's on my heart. This process of writing something down that is sufficient in a "stand alone" kind of way that expresses what I think about this topic of "calling" is EXCRUCIATING!!!! So in lieu of shooting the breeze with my professor over coffee perhaps what I'll do is bullet point some of my thoughts about my own sense of Christian calling here......

1. I have a 'calling' simply I have been 'called' to follow Christ. My primary calling is to live in relationship with God in a way that demonstrates his Lordship in my life. Every Christian is 'called' in this way. I rise to this 'calling' or fall miserably short of it in every moment of every day simply because I exist and belong to Him. That sounds profound, doesn't it? All I'm trying to say is that everything I do is an opportunity to demonstrate God's call in my life. Everyday and ordinary tasks and actions are a matter of discipleship. I have the ability to demostrate God's calling in all areas of my life...physical, emotional, spiritual, intellectual.

2. Discovering what might possibly be my secondary and more individual calling is important because I recognize that God has created me with unique gifts, strengths and weaknesses, talents, family blessings and baggage. He created me with a purpose in mind. I suspect that discovering what this 'calling' on my life is may never come in an 'AHA'! moment. In his book, Guiness quotes Oswald Chambers....

"If you can tell where you got the call of God and all about it, I question whether you have ever had a call. The call of God does not come like that, it is much more supernatural. The realization of it in a man's life may come with a sudden thunder-clap or with a gradual dawning, but in whatever way it comes it comes with the undercurrent of the supernatural, something that cannot be put into words".

I LOVE that quote! I wonder if one day I'll find myself recognizing God's 'call' in my life and not really even be able to pinpoint how I got there. It's all part of the journey. More so than figuring out what exactly that call is, it's important to figure out who God created me to be. Now obviously this is a life long process but part of that process is becoming more self-aware in the knowledge who God says I am. As Guiness so aptly puts it "...calling says: Do what you are." It's kind of hard to do that if I am woefully unaware of who I am:)

Ok, so not really bullet points. Some stuff to think about. Who knew 'calling' was so complicated?

Huh?

So I'm puttering away on my first assignment and one of the questions I have to respond to with regards to this book is: "Articulate your own sense of Christian calling and define how this relates to your current occupation". Um...ok. I think I can come up with something intelligent to say about my own sense of Christian calling (I haven't actually done that yet;), but relating that to my current occupation. Hmmm. Not exactly sure what I would say my current occupation is. Homemaker, mom, housewife or as my dear husband likes to joke, domestic goddess? This question has got me thinking about how I feel about my current occupation. And does that occupation have anything to do with a calling specific to me?

The chapter that resonated with me in particular was "The Audience of One". I suppose the way I most refer to my "occupation" is that of being a stay-at-home mom. Quite honestly, I can fill my day with all sorts of things. Ordinary, thankless, mind-numbingly boring, repetitive, messy things. What gives those things significance? My audience. According to Guiness "... no single human audience is my sole, natural audience". Can I just say that reminder humbles and excites me? It humbles me because in the midst of my ordinary existence I am reminded that what I do each day does make a difference if to no one else but God. Whether I approach each day with a sense of dread or tackle each day with a desire to strive for excellence matters to God. When I find every excuse to procrastinate and slide by in the role I've been given I am not the only one who knows that I'm hoarding the gifts He created in me. That's humbling. On my best days it inspires me to continue on in the journey of figuring out what exactly God's specific calling in my life is. On a whole lot of other days I wonder why in the world God would even bother with me...I know, we're working on that stinky attitude together:)

The other thought that jumped off the page at me is this:

"The truth is not that God is finding us a place for our gifts but that God has created us and our gifts for a place of his choosing – and we will only be ourselves when we are finally there. " (Guiness, 46).

Really? That's a comforting thought. I'm not sure that I'm there yet, infact I'm fairly certain that I'm not. But this journey that God and I are on is enough for me today.

Ok, so maybe I'm not so great at journaling.

Here's the thing, I'm really enjoying this book. Lots of thought provoking stuff in there. On many occasions I've found myself say "Hey Kev, listen to this...". I think what's preventing me from going great guns on this assignment, even this course, is that the thought of actually interacting with this stuff is scary to me. Right now I think I kind of know who I am. Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Right now I think I have a handle on what my life looks like. I'm a mom who spends an inordinate amount of time cooking and doing the laundry and on top of that is freaking out at the prospect of parenting a teenager in a couple of years. I'm a wife who loves her husband and is trying to make that relationship a priority. Not only am I a wife, I'm the pastor's wife. That comes with it's own can of worms:) but I'm beginning to feel like after a very long time that I'm finding my groove in that can of worms. So on top of all that, or should I say, underneath all that I'm a child of God. I am a child of God. That's me, a child of God.

I'm rambling. I know that nothing happens by accident. It is certainly no accident that I'm taking this course right now. 2 years after God intervened in my life in a BIG way and we started to get reacquainted. I'm just starting to figure out what being a child of God is all about. Before I've even had a chance to catch my breath He sends me off on this adventure...."go back to school". Seriously? Are you kidding me? What in the world for? I am a child of God. The thought that He might have some purpose...calling that He created me for is almost too much to take in. I feel so unworthy. So completely inadequate and scared.

Maybe that's why I'm dragging my feet;)

No more excuses, it's time to journal.

So I wanted to call this blog "The Old Lady at the Back of the Class". But I kind of figured that if any of my friends actually stumbled upon this little blog that they might be offended at the "Old Lady" part. I'm really not that old:) Can I just say though that finding myself back at school has made me feel FAR older than I actually am. My college days feel like they happened in a different lifetime.

So much has happened in the last 14 years or so. My amazing hubby and I have been in church ministry in several different capacities. Actually, I suppose he's the one whose jobs have changed over the years. All this time I've simply been a pastor's wife. We've added to our family 3 times now, our house is filled with girls:) We've made several major moves and currently find ourselves settled in a community we love working with a church we love. And over the years I've felt my brain turning slowly (alright, not always so slowly) to mush. Whatever benefit it might have been for me to be a graduate of Bible School before attempting this seminary thing has long since vanished. I feel like I'm going into this experience with a clean slate, which might not be such a bad thing. Maybe not a clean slate ministry wise but definately my brain has a whole lot of room for all the things I'm hoping to learn through this experience. Which leads me to this post...

I had kicked around the idea of keeping a journal or even blogging through my experience of going back to school when I started in the fall. But it didn't happen. Perhaps because I was only taking one small course, I didn't feel like it was worth documenting. Looking back I wish I had started then BUT when I got the syllabus for the course I'm taking this spring the professor suggested that we journal our thoughts throughout the semester as a way of interacting with the material in a more personal way. I'm a notoriously terrible procrastinator at journaling but I thought this might be my opportunity to give it another shot. As it turns out, I think this course will be a huge help to me in the journey I'm on with God right now. I shouldn't be surprised by that. This going back to school idea most definately did not come from me. In fact it scares the living daylights out of me. It's put me a position of absolutely having to trust God with the process because right now I have no idea where He's going to lead me.

Anyway, the course I'm working on right now is called "Theology of Work". The first book I'm reading is "The Call" by Os Guinness. I should have started journaling when I started the book. It is full of all kinds of good stuff. So starting tomorrow I'll post a little something from what I'm reading and the impact that it's having on me.

S